Sexual feelings

Feelings of sexual desire change for both men and women as they age. Sometimes the desire is more robust for only one partner, or the desire fluctuates so much for both partners that they are rarely in sync.

Over time, both men and women go through physical changes that affect sexual desire. Men may notice less sexual desire and erectile dysfunction, while women who have gone through menopause can also experience low libido as well as vaginal dryness, making intercourse painful.

While these physical issues are treatable, both men and women can feel embarrassed or uncertain about these changes and that can often lead to avoiding sexual activity. However, that doesn't mean that the experience of desire is gone forever, according to Dr. Sharon Bober, director of the Sexual Health Program at Harvard-affiliated Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. "Sexuality evolves like many aspects of life, but by working together, many partners can continue to enjoy a satisfying sex life that meets everyone's needs and expectations," she says.

Talking about love

The first step to addressing changes in desire is to share your feelings with your partner and listen to theirs. "Talk about how this change makes you feel, including how you still want to feel connected," says Dr. Bober. "Your partner may welcome the opportunity to share and may have some thoughts or new ideas of what they now find pleasurable."

Of course, talking about sex isn't always easy. Here are some ways to initiate the conversation.

Invite a dialogue. Begin the conversation positively. "You can approach the topic without intimidating your partner by gently proposing communication," says Dr. Bober. For instance, you could say "Our sex life has been on my mind, and I'd like to share my thoughts with you. Can we find some time to talk?"

Discuss what you enjoy. Start with a perspective of appreciating your mutual positive connection. "It is much easier for a conversation to feel constructive when partners feel supported by each other rather than criticized," says Dr. Bober. For example, you might talk about what you did together that you enjoyed and now miss. Ask your partner to do the same.

Express what you both want. Talk about what you both hope to gain from your sexual relationship going forward, like more excitement, greater closeness, or reconnection. "Make it about the both of you," says Dr. Bober. "Even if people are generally on the same page sexually, they each may have specific desires and needs that may be slightly different, and everyone should be open to finding common ground."

Build trust. Ask your partner to describe what feels pleasurable or pleasing before and during sex, what they might need or want to increase desire, and what they would be interested in trying. And then you share the same.

Different ways to satisfy

Once you've had this discussion, you can explore different ways to approach your sex life to encourage sexual desire and find mutual enjoyment. Here are some suggestions from Dr. Bober:

Try "outercourse." Here, the attention and energy are directed toward foreplay and manual stimulation with your partner, with activities like massaging, hugging, petting, kissing, or just snuggling naked in bed. "The emphasis is on physical intimacy and closeness without intercourse being the primary goal or the measure of a satisfying encounter," says Dr. Bober.

Focus on pleasure. Before and during sex, ask your partner what feels good and what sparks interest. And then share what you like. "Just talking about what each other finds exciting can be a turn-on," says Dr. Bober. "There are many ways to jump-start desire, but first and foremost partners need to have an experience that feels sexy or pleasurable in order to spark feelings of desire."

Explore new things. Try fun ways to create a sexy or romantic mood, like reading erotic stories to each other, watching a sexy movie, or introducing sex toys and aids like vibrators and lubricants. You can also use different stimulus methods like oral sex and mutual masturbation.

Find the best time. Desire is also impacted by energy levels, which can vary by person. "Some people are more energetic for morning romance, while others have more energy in the evening," says Dr. Bober. "Couples need to communicate with each other about when and what time of day is best and try to find a compromise."

Make dates. Scheduling regular date time also is important. Try planning something new, like an event or overnight destination. "Anticipation rather than spontaneity can be super sexy," says Dr. Bober. Novelty is key. Doing something different can offer a sense of excitement that also sparks desire.

Image: © twenty47studio/Getty Images