Understanding sex drive
Sexual desire changes as you age, but that doesn't spell the end of a satisfying sex life.
- Reviewed by Howard E. LeWine, MD, Chief Medical Editor, Harvard Health Publishing; Editorial Advisory Board Member, Harvard Health Publishing
Many aspects of a man's life change over time, but one that can be hard to accept is how sex drive can wane and fluctuate.
"For many men, sexual desire is no longer a light switch that functions with a quick 'on' or 'off' mode. But that's to be expected," says Dr. Sharon Bober, director of the Sexual Health Program at Harvard-affiliated Dana-Farber Cancer Center. "Men need to rethink what they consider 'normal' when it comes to sex drive, and understand that it is okay when it changes."
Reality check
Many factors can affect a man's sex drive as he ages. For instance, testosterone (the male sex hormone) naturally declines after age 50, and erectile dysfunction (ED) becomes more common. Health issues can also affect desire. (See "Take care of yourself.")
Another barrier men face is misguided expectations. "Look at almost any ED drug advertisement," says Dr. Bober. "The overall message is that men in their 60s and 70s should act and feel like they are still in their 30s or 40s."
Men in midlife and beyond also are often tripped up by expectations that if they don't act or feel a certain way most of the time, then something is wrong or broken, she adds. "When they have unrealistic expectations about how their sex life should look or should feel, they are vulnerable to further frustration."
Take care of yourselfMany medical conditions can affect sex drive, such as obesity, diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. "If you want to remain sexually active, that means you have to be diligent about exercising regularly, following a proper diet, and getting routine medical check-ups," says Dr. Sharon Bober, director of the Sexual Health Program at Harvard-affiliated Dana-Farber Cancer Center. |
Putting it into drive
There are many ways to embrace a changing sex drive. First, talk with your doctor about physical or health issues that may hinder desire or whether increasing testosterone levels would be useful.
In addition, Dr. Bober suggests focusing on the non-physical side of sex. "Sex and intimacy can mean many things as you age, and focusing more on romance and re-engaging with your partner is a good way to help reignite the sexual spark for both of you," she says. Here are some strategies she recommends trying.
Talk it out. Keep in mind that your partner also may experience some of the same changes with sexual desire and be hesitant to discuss it. "Start a conversation with your partner about what changes you are experiencing and how this makes you feel, including how you still want to feel connected," says Dr. Bober. "Your partner may welcome the opportunity to share, which can help you reconnect in a very frank and honest way."
Build trust. When you have the conversation, ask your partner to share what makes them feel good before and during sex, what they might need or want in order to increase desire, and what they would be interested in trying. And then you do the same. "This exercise is a way to build mutual trust and address and overcome any barriers to desire both of you may be unaware of," says Dr. Bober.
Try something new. Explore other fun ways to create a sexy mood, like reading something erotic to each other, watching a sexy movie, or introducing sex toys.
Focus on outercourse. Devote time to hugging and kissing and exploring each other's bodies without it necessarily leading to sex. "Couples often get used to thinking about sex as intercourse only, but that's just a habit," says Dr. Bober. "Outercourse can be enormously pleasurable while also turning down the volume on any performance pressure that could affect sex drive."
Turn it around. Focus less on yourself and more on your partner's experience of pleasure and satisfaction. "This can be a big turn-on for both people, and help you build greater sexual confidence," says Dr. Bober.
Mix it up. "Give each other a massage as part of foreplay, or try a different setting or time of day to have sex," says Dr. Bober. "Just having a conversation about changing the routine can be fun and exciting and jump-start desire."
Make a date. A satisfying sex life begins outside of the bedroom. Schedule regular dates with your partner, and make some outings about experiencing something new, like a hobby, event, or overnight destination. "Doing something different and spontaneous can offer a sense of excitement that increases desire and can bring you and your partner closer together," says Dr. Bober.
Image: © charin kingmaiklang/Getty Images
About the Author
Matthew Solan, Executive Editor, Harvard Men's Health Watch
About the Reviewer
Howard E. LeWine, MD, Chief Medical Editor, Harvard Health Publishing; Editorial Advisory Board Member, Harvard Health Publishing
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