Mind & Mood
The buddy system
Friendships can help you stay socially active. Here’s how to make new ones and maintain old ones.
- Reviewed by Howard E. LeWine, MD, Chief Medical Editor, Harvard Health Publishing; Editorial Advisory Board Member, Harvard Health Publishing
Loneliness is one of the greatest health risks facing older adults. The antidote to loneliness is more social engagement — and the best way to be more social is to develop friendships. "Making new friends and maintaining existing friendships makes it easier to be more social, since friendships often include doing activities one-on-one or as part of a group," says Dr. Richard S. Schwartz, a psychiatrist with Harvard-affiliated McLean Hospital.
Healthy friendship
Science has drawn a clear link between an active social life and better health. Regular social interactions are associated with greater happiness and life satisfaction and lower risks for depression and heart disease.
An active social life also may be good for the brain. A study of more than 66,000 people (average age 70), published online Oct. 25, 2021, by Ageing & Society, found that people with higher levels of social connectedness also scored higher on tests of thinking skills.
On the flip side, social isolation may harm the brain. In a study published online Jan. 11, 2023, by the Journal of the American Geriatrics Society, researchers found that socially isolated older adults had a 27% higher rate of dementia over nine years compared with those who were more socially active.
The friend zone
Compared with women, men often struggle with making and keeping friends as they age. "The problem is that many men acquire long-term friends through shared experiences like sports, the military, and work," says Dr. Schwartz. "When those sources are eliminated over time — through retirement, life changes, and death — a man’s circle of friends gets smaller."
He adds that the best approach for making friends and maintaining existing relationships is to recreate male-bonding settings and environments. For example:
Get into group dynamics. Join a group activity, such as a walking club; a golf or bowling league; a card, book, or chess club; or a continuing education class at an adult education center. Or ask a current friend to join you so you both can expand your friend circle. "Find something you enjoy, and odds are there are others who share your interest," says Dr. Schwartz. "It is often easier to interact with people who share your passions."
Also, make sure to give it enough time to enable you to bond with others. Don’t get discouraged if you don’t feel an immediate connection. "Friendships usually emerge slowly, and it often takes six months or a year of regular contact," says Dr. Schwartz. "But if you just don’t seem to be getting there, try another similar club or league or one with a different focus. Eventually, you’ll find like-minded friends."
Schedule time together. If you already have friends, but don’t see them regularly, take the initiative and schedule a set time for get-togethers. "Most men respond well to routine and scheduled events, and it saves everyone from having to reach out every time," says Dr. Schwartz. Choose a designated day, time, and place for coffee or lunch, ideally a setting designed for easy conversation. "Begin with a weekly or every-other-week schedule to help everyone ease into the new outing without feeling overwhelmed," says Dr. Schwartz.
Work on a project. Another way to stay connected with existing friends and meet new ones is to launch a group project. Dr. Schwartz knows of a group of retired fishermen from Gloucester, Mass., who, once they retired, decided to build a boat together. "They didn’t know any other way to get together, so they focused on their common interest and found a project to do," he says. You can replicate the same camaraderie through a group project with a volunteer organization or civic club that encourages team effort without requiring people to have specific skills.
Engage in "weak ties"Causal and infrequent interactions, known as "weak ties," can also help expand a person’s social life. "Striking up short conversations and small talk with a stranger or worker at a coffee shop or grocery store can give you the stimulating engagement of regular interactions even if it’s for a brief period," says Dr. Richard S. Schwartz, a psychiatrist with McLean Hospital. Research has found that people who frequently engage in weak-tie interactions report feeling happier and more socially connected than those who do not. Even social media conversations and texting qualify. |
Image: © Nick Dolding/Getty Images
About the Author
Matthew Solan, Executive Editor, Harvard Men's Health Watch
About the Reviewer
Howard E. LeWine, MD, Chief Medical Editor, Harvard Health Publishing; Editorial Advisory Board Member, Harvard Health Publishing
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