Sleeping apart: Good for your sex life?

A 2023 survey by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine found that one-third of respondents reported occasionally or regularly sleeping in separate rooms to accommodate a bed partner.

This may seem like a sign of a troubled relationship, but the practice is quite common and can lead to couples being happier and closer, according to Sharon Bober, associate professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School and founding director of the Sexual Health Program at Harvard-affiliated Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. "Just because you don't always sleep in the same bed doesn't mean that you feel separated as a couple," she says.

Contributing issues

The main motivation behind separate sleeping is not about lack of physical desire or emotional intimacy, but simply the need for both people to get a good night's rest.

"Sharing a bed means you share the other person's sleep behavior," says Bober. "If a person snores, grinds their teeth, thrashes and twitches, or gets up repeatedly at night, this can disrupt their partner's sleep, making partners more tired and irritable, which can strain the relationship."

Other issues that could contribute to sleeping apart include environmental factors (one partner needs the bedroom to be cooler or warmer) and sleeping schedules (one might like to stay up later reading or watching TV, or might need to get up early).

"Getting restful sleep is essential for good health and a good sex life," says Bober. "Sometimes sleeping in separate rooms, both people can sleep better and feel rested. Instead of resulting in something negative, this might allow for both partners to have more energy, better mood, and consequently more desire for sex."

Pillow talk

Sometimes just one person expresses the desire to sleep separately, which can make their partner feel rejected and worry about their relationship.

"If either partner feels concerned about not sleeping in the same bed, the couple needs to talk about what might feel worrisome," says Bober. "The conversation might reveal an issue not related to intimacy that has been lingering for a while."

Before sleeping apart, another option may be to consider compromises that address the issues of disrupted sleep and are acceptable to both people.

For example, if your partner's snoring wakes you up, wear earplugs, use a bedside sound machine, or wear earbuds and listen to a podcast as you fall asleep. The snoring partner could try sleeping on their side or see a doctor to find out whether there's an underlying health problem, like sleep apnea.

Even when a couple agrees to a new sleeping arrangement, Bober suggests several strategies to enhance and maintain connection while also making the transition smoother for both partners:

Set a schedule. At first, agree to sleep apart during the week or on specific days when partners need the most rest, but choose to sleep together on the weekends and make adjustments as needed.

Make both sleeping spaces cozy. "You both need a comfortable sleeping environment," says Bober. "Make sure both people are happy with their sleeping space."

Have a snuggle time. Before bedtime, spend time together in bed to snuggle, talk, read together, or have some romantic time; then, when it's time for sleep, move to your separate beds. You can also do the reverse: get in bed together in the morning and connect with coffee and conversation. "This kind of flexibility can help couples continue to associate the bed with closeness, pleasure, and intimacy," says Bober.

Make a date for sex. Not sleeping together can interfere with spontaneous sex. If you and your partner are concerned about a declining sex life, schedule time for intimacy. "This can create a sense of excitement and allow for anticipation," says Bober. To enhance the experience, tie your get-together to a date night or a romantic evening at home.

Nap together. Another idea is napping together during the day. "Even a short nap together can help maintain the bedroom bonding and is something couples can do either on occasion or more regularly," says Bober.

Assess the arrangement regularly. Check in with each other every day to see what's working and what isn't. It's not good enough if sleeping separately feels helpful only for one person in the relationship. You can always go back to the drawing board and come up with a revised plan. Sleeping apart, either once in a while or more regularly, can be beneficial, if both partners are happy with the setup, sleep well, and continue to feel connected as a couple.

Image: © Smiljana Aleksic/Getty Images