Tips to navigate a "sleep divorce"

When your bed partner regularly shatters your good night's rest — by snoring, kicking, tossing and turning, or stealing the covers, for example — you might wonder if you'd be better off sleeping apart. And you're not alone if you give it a try.

A 2023 survey by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine found that a third of respondents reported occasionally or regularly sleeping in separate rooms to accommodate a bed partner. Just keep in mind that the arrangement comes with a risk. "Your relationship might suffer, especially if one person doesn't want to sleep apart or doesn't like the new sleeping environment," says Dr. Stephanie Collier, a psychiatrist at Harvard-affiliated McLean Hospital.

Here's what you can do if you're considering a "sleep divorce."

Have a heart-to-heart first

Discuss your partner's disruptive sleep behaviors with compassion, and talk about the problems that result for both of you. "The conversation can be embarrassing. It requires you to be vulnerable, and a lot of sensitive topics might come up beyond sleep behavior," Dr. Collier says. "If it's hard to communicate about it, consider a couples counseling session with an objective third party to guide you."

Seek a compromise

Before seeking a complete sleep divorce, consider compromises that are acceptable to both of you. "For example, if your partner's snoring wakes you up, try wearing earplugs, use a bedside sound machine, or wear earbuds and listen to a podcast as you fall asleep," Dr. Collier suggests. If snoring is a problem, your partner could try sleeping on his or her side and seeing a doctor to find out what's causing the snoring. Dr. Collier recommends you go together to the doctor's appointment so you both learn about any possible underlying conditions and treatments, such as continuous positive airway pressure (CPAP) for sleep apnea.

"Another solution could be sleeping separately in the same room. Perhaps you each get a bed. That's helpful when one person awakens frequently to urinate or has involuntary twitching movements in the legs during sleep. Another idea is napping in the same place during the day but sleeping apart at night."

Sleeping apart successfully

If you decide to try sleeping apart, consider following these guidelines.

Make both sleeping spaces cozy. "Neither of you should have to sleep on the couch," Dr. Collier says. "You both need a good mattress and a comfortable sleeping environment that's cool, dark, and inviting. Make sure both parties are happy."

Schedule intimacy. Sharing a bed promotes personal connection, sexual activity, and feelings of comfort and security. To get the same intimacy when you sleep apart, Dr. Collier says, you must make a concerted effort. For example, if nighttime is when you have sex, cuddle, or share meaningful details of your day, schedule that before bedtime, and then move to separate rooms after your time together. Or set aside time for closeness during the day and make it a priority.

Create a nighttime routine. It can be tough sleeping alone after years of being together, especially if you have anxiety or stress. "You'll have to develop your own bedtime routine, one that makes you feel relaxed and sleepy, such as reading for a little while and then turning out the light and listening to a bedside sound machine. If you miss the comfort and security of your partner, sleeping with a body pillow or a weighted blanket might help," Dr. Collier says. "Or, talk to your partner on the phone or in a video call as you're going to sleep. That way you can still be together."

Assess the arrangement regularly. Check in with each other daily to see what's working and what isn't. "It's not good enough if it's helpful only for one person," Dr. Collier says. "Go back to the drawing board and come up with something better. Your relationship is at stake, and so is your health and well-being. Sleeping apart can be beneficial if both parties are happy with the setup, both parties sleep well, and you continue to nurture your relationship."

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